Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.


me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises


“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”


My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.


I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …


me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH


when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death