Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.