@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

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@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

@IvoryGazelle

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

@HuttonGray

“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@OMGSoOverIt

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

@DrakeGatsby

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death