im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense