@clindsaysway

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

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@jonnysun

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@CantWaitToNap

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@RonAnthonyQuinn

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

@L8yK8y

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

@chuuew

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

@joeljeffrey

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

@LurkAtHomeMom

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.