Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
You Might Also Like
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.