Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.