Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me recordaron éste meme
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
True.