Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
The Friday File.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?