POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Why do auto repair shops always seem so annoyed that you’re bringing your car in? Like I’m sorry I also don’t like that my engine sounds like bees when I go above 30, I’m on your side.
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I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
Me: You’re it!
Me running away: Renewed!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.