He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:
1. My dog
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass
Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…
son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.