@Talk_To_The_Hat

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

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@Havish_AF

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

@UnFitz

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@offbeatoliv

It’s such bullshit that there’s no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.

@SeiYoung83

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.