@Talk_To_The_Hat

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

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@Di0nysus7

He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out

@theBigMvee

Kid 1 swallows coin: rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin: wait for it to pass

Kid 3 swallows coin: deduct from their allowance

@BareChesty

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@rebrafsim

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@juliussharpe

Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…

@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.