Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”

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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.


the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it


KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you.

WOMAN: sure


KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.


A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.

I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.


My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.


The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.


3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?


UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.