@heroinsdemise

Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”

You Might Also Like

@JJSummertime

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

@Sotherans

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

@iamspacegirl

KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you.

WOMAN: sure

ME: OH GOD NO!

KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.

@Prof_Peejay

A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.

I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.

@JustBeingEmma

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

@AmishPornStar1

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

@andrewnotsicko

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

@ElleOhHell

UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.