Seas the day!!!!
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years