“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.


I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab


Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see


6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-


H: Your mom is very smart


Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers


I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”


“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


My man always plays better on the backside than the front…

Golf, you pervs