@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

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@AnniemuMary

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

@Xalqee

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@BigJDubz

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

@mom_tho

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

@goofyrice

I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”

@robfee

“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently

@sweetmomissa

My man always plays better on the backside than the front…

Golf, you pervs