Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile