Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
necessity is the mother of invention
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.