Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

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I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.


Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary

Friend: Okay, but…

Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary

Friend: I know, but just…

Man: So what’s the issue with my own?

Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi


When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.


[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!


I was always a sucker for a pair of blue eyes and she had a whole jar.


Had a dream that my college classmate was a world famous hamster veterinarian and he desperately needed my help during a life or death surgical procedure, in case you’re curious how well the NyQuil worked last night.


Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.


idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court


Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people