@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

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@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@pregnant_cat

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

@_Tempo11

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?