@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

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@amandamull

Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache

@LaetPO

Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@JayaNaJaye

Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.

@LetMeStart

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.