Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.



Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.


[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good


Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately


10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher


The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.


Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.


I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?