Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?