Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*bites zombie*
The Compass
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used