@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

- @sophielou

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@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@MrSpoonicorn

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

@bombsydoll

girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her

@LindzThoughts

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Me: Ya?
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Him: ..
Me: You planning to come back?

@BeTheCookie

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@mcjamie

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.