Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You Might Also Like
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.