Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.