*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Dead sexy!!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>