“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I just tested negative for patience.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit