“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.