KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Why do birds
You are near?
Just like me
Made of bread
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Would it be odd if someone brought their cat on a date?
Her: Very, what’s in the box?
Nothing, waiter cancel that can of tuna
you stereotypes are all alike
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.