Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
plums roundup
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
put ‘er there pardner!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!