why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(