why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me too door. Me too.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”