WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.