Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Saturday
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol