why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
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A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
you’re not fooling anyone
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Good morning, Twitter x
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate