When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You Might Also Like
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
can’t bark with your mouth full
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.