@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

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@nolifecoach

To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome

@AndyHerald

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

@sixfootcandy

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

@MaybePileJokes

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.

@CopBroughtPizza

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

@AshleyGriffo_

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger

@Book_Krazy

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@justokpanda

World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple