To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
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