Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

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To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome


I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”


I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.


lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ


Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
It’s Dublin.


i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…


Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger


“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple