Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player