Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom
Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!
Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile