@KentWGraham

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

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@phalguy

Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice

@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@lincnotfound

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@ArfMeasures

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

@ShortSleeveSuit

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

@BaileysIrishTom

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile