Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
You Might Also Like
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I feel seen
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”