Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend