@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

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@ahMandalorian

I hate this double standard
.
.
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.

@CatsVsHumanity

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

@scarletwitchwc1

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

@1MeLrO

Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It’s called a face palm

@ArfMeasures

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@T_Bonezzz_

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

@rickygervais

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.