Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.