New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers