Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
You Might Also Like
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
back to work
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.