Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo