I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
You Might Also Like
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.