Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?