@divergentmama

Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?

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@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@alovablenerd

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

@david8hughes

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

@markhoppus

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

@LMHPhotog

People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@jonnysun

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

@sixfootcandy

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?