Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?

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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.


People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie


Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.


[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything


i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?


People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.


Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…


i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have


Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?