and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.