@divergentmama

Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?

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@carterhambley

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@faizziy

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

@copymama

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

@alovablenerd

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types