@painted_eel

why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders

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@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@Darlainky

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

@NewDadNotes

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

@Home_Halfway

People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government