This is so accurate 😂
why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
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Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
If Dracula saw Twilight, he’d stake himself.
The adult version of
Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]
Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government