@painted_eel: why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
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@carlyken: "I'm a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow." -everyone on Facebook
@BoogTweets: *Getting pulled over* Me: I knew we should have Uber’d My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
@FrazzleMyGimp: MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night. ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no. [meanwhile in ufo] ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around? DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.