The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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Milk Cube
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*