@Rebelling_Jyn

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

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@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@MrJeberling

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

@SilleVio

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@Gooooats

It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.

@realHamOnWry

My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.

@linanneblack

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.

@SprtsHumor

Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.