Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.