Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.