@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

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@XplodingUnicorn

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

@MegsHAUSTED

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

@ddsmidt

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

@themicheniche

Friend: What’s wrong? You seem so distressed

Me: I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it

F:

M: Well, OK. It’s just that I think a new shaker of salt wouldn’t be that hard to find in Margaritaville