@JimmerThatisAll
@XplodingUnicorn
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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@XplodingUnicorn
@Manda_like_wine
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
@KateWhineHall
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
@AndyAsAdjective
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
@theshantilly
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
@MomOfTeen
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
@alexlumaga
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
@MegsHAUSTED
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
@ddsmidt
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
@themicheniche
Friend: What’s wrong? You seem so distressed
Me: I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it
F:
M: Well, OK. It’s just that I think a new shaker of salt wouldn’t be that hard to find in Margaritaville