Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.