I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
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I don’t make the rules sorry
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
respect
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers