why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.