why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.