@issyazalea

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

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@2tickytacky

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

@EdgarAllanLo

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

@TheAlexP

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

@tonyposnanski

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.