why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

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When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep


People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.


I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.


I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.


Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.


Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.