“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
You Might Also Like
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
the red hot silly peppers
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Milk Cube
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.