Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…