Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
🐕🍷
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food