Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
pictures of spider-man
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?