i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You Might Also Like
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce