Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met