why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.


If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.


Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay


Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing


Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*


*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”


I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.


this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies


Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.