Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home