What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.