@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

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@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@peterjames48

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

@ChrisScarlette

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

@okimstillhungry

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.

@vinfury

Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@Abusitron

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.