Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
You Might Also Like
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.