John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
You Might Also Like
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
*pulls gun out of bible
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Asterisks are awesome.
*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.